twenty years too soon....

what a day, i stepped into a magic time machine and leaped twenty years into the future.
sitting in my bath, kass on the toilet, not literally. sitting with incense inbetween our fingers, looking like we were in our thirties, hiding from children and husbands, smoking away our stresses. tragic.
well, that is how our pathetic lives will be, one day :P. jokes.
one day anyway.
my hand, three hours later, still smells of incense. pretty.
together planning future events. all legal ones at that XD
hmmm, i have nothing to blog about really,

so bored.. giving girl advise to my step brother, fun fun.. missing my amazing boyfriend.. sad that it had to end.. glad that you did.. proud of you.. proud of you too.. not keen.. really keen.. lovin my hair, again.. want my next tattoo.. want my nose pierced now.. i can't believe how far down you have to dig yourself before you realise, you ARE alone.. glad you're going.. it's the best for everyone, and you..

xxx
xx
x

twenty years too soon,

bored...

110. My last name: mcclelland

109. I was born in: batemans bay.

108. I am really: insane.

107. My phone is: legendary

106. My eye color is: odd.

105. My ring size is: umm.

104. My height is: short

103. I am allergic to: you.

102. I was born on: 23rd January

101. I am annoyed by: silly things.

99. My bed is: brown.

98: One thing you don’t like about yourself:umm...just one?

97. Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?: i'm asleep.

96. How do you vent anger? boxing..running.

95. How did your day start off? ummm...tired

94. Do you get along with guys or girls better? umm...dunno

93. How do you think you look right this moment? tired.

91. My favorite Holiday is: new zealand. darwin. fremantle.

90. The last CD I bought was: umm..

89. Do you have any siblings? just the one.

88. What did you do yesterday? cleaned. hung out.

87. When in doubt?: stare at grass


:::I Do /Do Not Believe In::::

86. Love at first sight? umm.

85. Luck? yes

84. Fate? umm

83. Aliens? yes i know many

82. Heaven? somewhat

81. Hell? yes

80. Ghosts? ummm

79. Horoscopes? yes

78. Soulmates? yes

77. Karma? live by it


:::Which is Better?:::
AND YES YOU HAVE TO PICK ONE

76. Drunk or High? drunk

75. On the phone or online: phone

74. Red heads or blondes? -

73. Blondes or Brunettes? brunettes

72. Hot or cold?: either

71. Summer or Winter: summer

70. Chocolate or vanilla? chocolate.

69. Night or Day?: both

68. Oranges or Apples?: oranges.

67. Curly or Straight hair:? curly


::Here’s What I Think About:::

66. Abortion: depends on the circumstances...if you're an idiot that didn't use contraception live with the kid.

65. Backstabbers: grrr

64. Parents: love them


:::Last time I:::

63. hugged someone: a couple of minutes ago.

62. Saw someone: a couple of minutes ago.

61: Cried in front of someone? ages ago.


:::Random:::

60. Who is the ditziest person you know: the person staring in the mirror

59. Who makes you laugh? dylan moran

58. Last show you watched? the offspring <3

57. What you don’t understand is? confusing people, love, the power of chocolate.

56. The most unsatisfying answer: 'pass'

55. Something I really miss when I leave home is? my bed.

54. The thing I’m looking forward to the most is? seeing al <3

53. Tomorrow: eh

52. Today: chilled. lame.

51. Next Summer: get keen,

50. This Weekend: far away

49. The person(s) who knows the most about me is: umm kass, al, dyl

48. The most difficult thing to do is? accept defeat

47. I haven’t gotten a speeding ticket: i don't drive

46. The first person I talked to today was: dad

45. First time you had a crush: umm...kindy

44. The one person who I can’t hide things from: kass...some teachers

43. Last time someone said something you were thinking: go away.

42. Right now I am talking to? al.

41. What is your dream job? havent got one

40. First job? babysitting

39. I have had these pets: dogs. fish. chickens.

38. I can still see: the computer screen...good sign.

37. The worst sound in the world is? umm..

36. The person who makes me cry the most: YOU.

35. Best sound in the world?: your voice. and laugh

34. Who makes you happy? al <3..kass and dyl.

33. Cats or dogs?: dogs

32. Myspace or Facebook: Facebook.

31. Mexican food or Chinese? both, not together

30. My favorite piece of clothing? my seedy looking jeans

29. My favorite color(s) are: green.

28. Last time I cried: ages ago

27. My friends: few, but awesome

26. My computer is? okay. it works.

25. Last person I got mad at: you.

24. Person you secretly crush on?: i don't

23. Favorite place to eat?: home. in front of the tv

22. Favorite song: .....so many; weather with you - crowded house

21. The all-time best show is: scrubs

20. The all-time best feeling in the world is: massage, running. being with you.

19. Favorite scent: tinned peaches :P

18. What color is your hairbrush: purple

17. Favorite shoes: thongs.

16. I lose all respect for people who: don't have respect

15. favorite channel to watch: umm...

14. favorite food: dark chocolate and mangoes..

13. favorite day of the week: fridays.

12. Best Feature(s) in the opposite sex: honesty.

11. The worst pain I was ever in was: losing you for the first time.

10. Best Memory: so many

9. Favorite TV show? black books

8. My favorite singer/band: so many....sting/the police

7. Favorite Stuffed Animal? umm...

6. Greatest Fear: losing you

5. My weakness is: happiness

4. When was your last concert? few weeks ago

3. Who broke your heart? so many

2. One thing that makes you feel great is: al <3 kass, dylan, caity, cody, amy

1. One person that you wish you could see right now? al <3

strawberries and milo...

life is one big hellpit...with a few ropes. the only way to get out is to work together. whether it be youself with your courage, or a group of people. from my 16 and 3/4 years on this earth, i have learnt many things.
those being:
- bravery
- courage
- strength in the toughest times
- when to keep your mouth shut
- when to speak up
- to take time for yourself
- live amongst the positive things
and
- love is hard, you have to work hard for it, you have to work your arse off...if you really love someone, thats exactly what you'll do as well.


my two best friends are in love...my brother and sister. weirdest shit, i used to think. then i saw how happy they finally were together. real love, they were best friends.
in my opinion to whoever will listen, is that you partner (bf, gf) should be your best friend, as well as lover, soulmate, what ever. having the friendshi build into a relationship is the strongest relationship i've ever seen.
they had that. it was beautiful. even though it scared the living shit out of me.
they are on rocks. live on eggshells, trying not to hurt each other. she is dealing with past issues that tend to bring themselves up occaisionally. they're horrible. he made a mistake, bringing them further up. a mistake, she knows that.
swearing to never be with someone if they hurt you the same way that a person has hurt you the worst is generally a smart idea. though considering the circumstances, its different. HE meant to. he didn't. HE is f***ed in the head. he isn't.
see the difference?
accept that she needs her space. with space, she will want to see you more and more. which equals - WIN. she will need you there soon. its how she works. can't get enough of you one minute. the next she won't have anything to do with you. i love her for that. so should you.

i love you both soo much. you are amazing people. my best friends, so different, but so similar in so many ways. ways that kill each other.

work for it. trust me. its hard. look how happy i am. but look how unhappy i WAS.
i don't care if you don't listen. i'll be stoked if you do. i won't be suprised if you hit me over the head with your folders. meh. i tried. i couldn't care less. but i know. that as you're friend and sister (and secret lesbian lover) that this isn't something that should die. it's something that needs to thrive and blossom. it's only just growing really.

love you. xxx

i love you...

you know what's funny, that shitheads in this world make me love the people in my life soo much more.
people that beat their children, that makes me love my dad so much more. it's terribly depressing to see beaten fucked up kids. but i love my dad, because i know he would never do that.
or, beaten up girlfriends. that just makes me love my boyfriend, because he would never ever hurt me. and if he ever did by accident he would be devastated.

i don't know what else to write.
sun i love you.
i love that you're sitting with me.
i don't like that a few people followed, but meh, life goes on.
i'm keen for this weekend.
we need to catch up.
girl time, make up, pillow fight, make out...baha
'nice beard dumbeldore, what's it made out of?' 'your mums chest hair!!'...baha

buhbye. x

wtf...

wow, its been a really, really, really, long time since i have posted...again..oh well, not much has happened. learnt alot over the past week or so. who not to trust mainly, and some people are INSANE.
rumours are dangerous things, that is the first thing i would like to say. the few that might possibly read this may know.
this rumour has left a few people thinking 'what the fuck?' and left me confused and fuming. meh, i couldn't care less at the moment, but ask me in the morning. ... meh i couldn't be bothered to blog...i've written another story, this one finished at 79 834 words :D yaaay.
meh, cyas
xx

another chance...

dear blog,
it has been a month. a very long one. with good and bad. it started bad, ended a little better.

first - a relationship can be renewed through heartbreak. i have never felt so much love from or for a person during the beginning of this month. someone i have said i could easily spend the rest of my life with. yes, a bold statement. but i know a few that could say the same thing.

second - wicked. was amaaazing. the show was pretty awesome too. the day started for me at 3am. more than an two hours before i was to be picked up to go to moruya. the year elevens'/music students plan had failed to gain control of the back of the bus. very dissapointing. the bus trip up revolved around a chemical filled cookie. (me annoying the crap out of kass and alex for one average tasting biscuit). after i got my biscuit, i stopped nagging. as much. then we stopped off at maccas in Nowra. saw a dude in a long black skirt with a long beard and pink sideburns, yes they were pink. i was going to go discuss fashion with him, but i decided the look in his eyes was a bit tooo intimidating. after a hash brown and orange juice, it was time to get back on the bus. 'fired up' was put on, good movie, though the majority of the time i had an unhappy camper behind me pushing my head side to side. this person should NEVER be a chiropractor. before the show we headed up to Market City food court. and ate Indian food..yuuuum. then after that we headed down to the show. I got separated...again. so i went the long way around and sat next to alex, during the fist half the show was great..kass got to see bert! how amazing. meh. then listened to brady and tom make weird laughing noises during the show.
intermission, kass and i got mocktails and cool cups. :D second half was just as good. t
back on the bus was good too, got very little sleep, though i was nice and warm. shit stirred for the first half hour by the two behind me and alex.
didn't sleep much when i got home. too much to think about. all good stuff. things again were looking up.

third - lions club dinner. day started well. did my coffee assessment, did well in that. was happy :) then i ironed, for a long time, stole cody's really warm jacket, finished my photography assignment, very happy with that. then we did more setting up, polishing cutlery, setting tables. etc etc. kass got back to school, looked very tired. she got given the position of Maitre D'. did an awesome job. halfway through the night i ended up out the back washing up. it was a lot easier and took less effort. due to a silly anxious moment, back of house was a lot 'calmer'. cathy, hoggy, and janey are soo amazing. after everything had been cleaned up and thrown out, i fell asleep for ten minutes in K2. soo uncomfortable. tracey gave me a lift home, seats we're heated...hmmmmmmm. haha. awesome. then packed for darwin, tried to find all my summer clothes to throw in the suitcase. found some clothes. then had to sit on my bag to keep it in. then..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

fifth - had to wake up at 6am. after three hours sleep, was very hard. showered, dress, then said goodbye and off we drove. slept until Berry, and then txt'd kass for a few hours, while she lounged in bed. lucky bitch. though i was going to sydney so, it was ok.
got to sydney, hung out in Coogee for a couple of hours. then headed to a friends house. out to a pub and then to dinner. managed to get past security, one of a few times on my holiday i past for 18. fun fun.

sixth - darwin. one of two places i want to spend the rest of my life. it is amazing. met soo many great people. and came close to accidental death in the time up there.
when dad and i boarded the plane in Sydney at 10:45am, it was 17*c. then sat in the plane for 4 hours. as soon as we stepped out of the plane it was a lovely 29*c, off came the cardigan. our holiday was filled with backpackers, pubs, photos, fishing, driving, tattoos and eating. best holiday i've ever had. i was happy. amazingly.
as soon as we got back, Sydney ruined the holiday...30*c difference. grrrrrrrrrrrr.

seventh - home. want to go back to darwin. but pack my friends up and take them too.

xxx

one step forward twelve steps back...

i jinxed it. my last blog, "things are looking up" yeah fuck that. i've stuffed a great friendship...and i've screwed up my life and his doing it. i've left him dead inside...so i want to be dead inside and outside...i know that i've got so much to live for. but sometimes the good things hide. or are hidden by the bad. i don't hate my life...but parts of it...
i hate:

- bastards that sexually abuse people.
- people that always put others first.
- that a relationship can end with one txt.
- that i keep saying sorry.
- blogs.

bye.
xx

p.s.
if you don't like this, and think i'm being dramatic, theeeen i don't give a shit. don't read my blogs.

only to be with you.....

finally. things are starting to look up. i hate feeling nervous and anxious though. but, there are more good days than bad ones at the moment. which is good. a few little things throw me off, but now that i'm trying harder than my hardest it's paying off. i've got one word of advice to people that want/need help.....'communication'. it's so simple but it really really helps.

well. i can't think of anything else to write. the rain is nice. i love you. and CILY!

xxx

meh...

Who was your crush in 5th grade?
cade.

About how many hours of sleep did you get last night?
1

Is your hair naturally straight?
mhmm. i don't like it

Do you wish anyone in particular was still in your life?
yes..

Are relationships ever really worth it?
yes.

Who was the last person to text you?
alex..

What's the weather like outside?
wet...cold...dark.

Where was the last place you bought something?
woolies...fishermans friend <3

Did you sing at all today?
i dunno probably.

What is your current desktop picture?
the beach

Is there anyone you're holding onto, even though you know you shouldn't?
yeah..

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
yep...tattoo in 25 days :D

Is there someone, that if they walked out of your life, you'd just give up?
definately

Have you ever made out with someone that has a tattoo?
mhmm.

When will your next kiss take place?
school...

When you're getting ready for something, do you listen to music?
yes.

When you're single is it alright to kiss random boys/girls?
i spose...

Which do you prefer - eyes or lips?
eyes.

What were you doing at 11:59 PM on sunday night?
reading..

Do you think age matters in relationships?
sometimes its weird if there is a huge age difference, but who cares.

Is there someone you can’t stop thinking about?
yeep.

Do your parents have a MySpace account?
nerp.

Did you sleep alone last night?
yeah...well i lay in bed. i didn't really sleep

Would you rather have your nose or tongue pierced?
nose...

You can only drink one liquid for the rest of you life, what is it?
orange juice...with pulp in it...or lemon lime bitters...or water..

What woke you up this morning?
ummm i don't know..i might have done a huge twitch that woke me up.

Do you have feelings for anyone?
yes.

Where are you located right now?
in front of the computer.

Do you think pot should be legalized?
yeah..then people would stop getting introuble for havin it.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?
yep.

Are your eyes the same color as your dad's?
nope.

Is your best friend a slut?
hahahahahah...no.

Have you ever liked someone that was in a relationship?
yep.

Would you prefer to date someone taller, shorter or the same height as you?
taller..

Day been rough?
good and bad.

What song are you currently listening to?
turn me on - norah jones. <3

What was the last thing you ate?
apple

Where is your phone?
next to me.

How often do you talk on the phone?
very.

If your phone goes off during the night, do you answer it?
yeah if i wake up..

Do you think you will be in a relationship two months from now?
yes.

Do you miss someone?
yes..:(

Do you want kids?
five boys.

Do you believe what comes around goes around?
definately.

Has anyone ever tried to ruin a relationship you were in?
yep...and succeeded.

Do you know anyone who's been in jail?
yep haha

Have you ever been in an ambulance?
yep :\

If you were on life support, would the last person you kissed come see you?
he would be the first there.

Where did you sleep last night?
on the floor.

Does anyone like you?
i hope so.

Could you go a month without talking to your best friend?
nope i can't go a couple of days.

Do you think you're old?
yes extremely...(insert sarcastic tone here )

What were you doing at twelve last night?
reading...

Have you consumed alcohol in the past 24hrs?
not that i know of.

Last person you kissed calls you right now, what happens?
the flirting starts. :P

Last song you listened to?
Right Where You Want Me To Be - A Day to Remember.

Last person you called was?
dad.

Have you had sex today?
no?

Are you in a good mood?
reasonably

Has anyone told you they loved you today?
three seconds ago.

Do you hate anyone?
yep.

Has anyone ever cheated on you?
hope not..

Has anyone ever cheated on there boyfriend/ girlfriend for you?
not that i know of..

Have you hugged anyone today?
yup.

What are you doing?
listening to music, chatting, txting..

Do you care that people will judge you because of your answers?
no, who cares.

Will you watch television tonight?
yup.

Are you keeping a big secret right now?
yes.

Do you need to talk to anyone?
yeah...

Last person to make you smile?
josh..

What is on your wrists?
writing,scars, my brothers nail marks - little bitch- skin.

Look to your left what do you see?
window.

Do you have a bestfriend?
a few.

What colour is your hair?
dark brown

What phone company are you with?
virgin..

Where is your boyfriend at the moment?
at his house..

Have you ever kissed in the rain?
yep..

Are you in a good mood?
sorta...didnt i already answer that.

Would you ever want to swim with sharks?
definately.

Are you dating the very last person you kissed?
yes.

Do you want them to ask you out?
-

Are you close friends with people in lower grades?
yep.

Do you think someone's thinking about you right now?
hmmm maybe.

Last conversation you had with a boy?
why he isn't stupid.

What was the last thing you said to someone?
"piss off little shit"

Do you dance in the car?
yeah...:\

Are you in high school?
yep

How long would it take to walk to the nearest McDonald's?
i wouldn't.

Do you remember the full name of the person you liked on New Years?
alex smith.

Have you ever held hands with the opposite sex?
yes

Have you ever liked someone older than you?
yeah.

Are you perfect?
god no.

What did you last put in your mouth?
apple

Where did you last sleep other than your own bed or house?
sick bay.

People you could not live without?
everyone i love.

Where and who did you spend last night with?
my book. in my room.

Who did you sit next to in last period today?
alex and cody :P

Smoking or drinking?
drinking..

Can you sleep in jeans?
yeeep.

Do you ever wonder "what if"?
yeah sometimes.

Do you honestly think you could last a week without a computer or cellphone?
yeah i have before..just.

Do you honestly LOVE your friends?
yeah definately.

Do you think relationships at your age mean anything?
yeah of course.

If you drank 15 beers what would you be doing?
lying on the floor or dancing around something.

Doesn’t it drive you nuts when people think they ‘need’ to have a relationship?
yeah, but i'm in one and i need it soooo i dont know.

When was the last time you laughed really hard?
ummmm, dunno.

Would you rather give up the computer or the TV?
televison

What was the last song you listened to?
Your Body is A Wonderland...hahaha John Mayer.

Do you have an iphone?
no, they're silly.

Do you eat meat?
yup

Would you rather myspace or facebook?
facebook.

Can you cook steak?
yep

How many kids do you want to have in the future?
five.

Whens the last time you wished on a shooting star?
a couple of nights ago.

Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?
yep with a few additions.

Have you ever had to choose between two people?
yep :'(


xxx

faaaarkk you.....

i know some people read this blog, and it pretty much is me not giving a shit what people think. sooo, if you don't like it, or you think i'm a liar about shit i tell other people in confidence then...screw you.
i've got my shit, and i know you have yours (to whoever), so i'll stay out of your way, you stay out of mine. .... bye.

p.s. i don't get any satisfaction out of writing this shit. soo, screw you.

blog....

i just read a few other blogs. now i feel sick. some of the pain people go through is really sad. i've had my fair share of shit, and i guess that leads to empathy and appreciation for people that are stronger than they think.
i was thinking, just now, that i'm getting closer to the road to recovery. at the moment, it's still, pretend you're okay and no one will notice. i've discovered i'm a pretty good actor. i fool myself sometimes.
there are times though, that i am happy. times when i feel strong, and there is everything to live for.
i still get down. but thats just me. i know it's stupid. but that is also just me. anywho, i must fly.....JUST FOUND OUT!! MUM SAID YES TO GETTING A TATTOO!!!!!

xxx

naarrrrrff.....

oh my god. i never thought it would take 10 seconds to make me high. literally. just one little kiss makes me feel like i've have about.... i don't know what to write.
exams are pissing me off. so is my brother. and another peoples family/siblings for upsetting my friends. grrrrr.
anyway.
i love you. and you and you.

xxxx

bite my tongue....

you know what gives me the shits. people that talk about you behind your back, and not nice things. petty and mean shit. i mean come on. shut the fuck up. anywho. everyone, its not nice to talk shit about people. say nice things. but mean...no.

xxx

dum de dum....

harrow. i think i'm getting happy. well, for now. i love him so much. it seems as if there is so much love in our group. it's weird. i love it. haha. but it's weird. hmmm, i haven't really got much to say. besides GAH!!! my head is going to splode. any second. sucked in to the one that has to clean me up :D








IFLY !!!!!!!!!!




















I made a habit
Of never making promises
That aren't easy to keep
And there you have it
But now I'll make you one that is
To keep you here with me

But as every second that goes by
I feel it's just a waste of time
If I'm not with you

If home is where the heart is
Then my home is where you are (my home is where you are)
But it's getting oh so hard
To spend these days
Without my heart

So I'm taking you with me
Anywhere that I
Could ever wanna be
For the rest of my life
I want you there with me
And if there ever comes a time
When I should have to leave
I hope you know that I
I'm taking you with me

And so I'm trying
To hold it all together and
Make it through the day
When I'm just dyin'
To drop it all and take your hand
So we can run away
from all the miles and the hours
That seem to endlessly devour

The time that I could be with you

If home is where the heart is
Then my home is where you are (my home is where you are)
It's getting oh so hard
To spend these days
Without my heart

So I'm taking you with me
Anywhere that I
Could ever wanna be
For the rest of my life
I want you there with me
And if there ever comes a time
Where I should have to leave
I hope you know that I
I'm taking you with me

Every second that goes by
Is one more second of my life
And it couldn't be more clear
That I would die without you here
And every second that goes by
Is one more second of my life
And it couldn't be more clear
I'm dying without you here
Yeah every second that goes by (yeah every second that goes by)

So I'm taking you with me
Anywhere that I
Could ever wanna be
For the rest of my life
I want you there with me
And if there ever comes a time
Where I should have to leave
I hope you know that I
I'm taking you with me

another....again...another.....

Would you fall apart if that last person you kissed walked out of your life?
fall even further

Do you drink lots of booze?
not always. but when i do, i drink alot.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed?
mum.

Have you ever felt like you literally needed someone?
yeh. always.

Ever kissed someone who's first name starts with an "C" or a "R"?
ummm. i don't know. that is a weird question.

Could you handle being married to the last person you kissed?
yes. but, yes.

Ever been told you were loved by someone who didn't mean it?
i don't know. i hope not.

Do you ever think of someone & start crying?
yes.

Do you think the last boy you kissed cares for you?
he better. or i'm fucked.

Does seeing couples in love make you mad?
no. it's a good thing.

When was the last time you really laughed? Why?
today. stupid luke.

If someone warns you about someone, do you listen?
sometimes. but i'll make my own decision.

Does it take a lot to make you cry?
yep. only if i'm with people. if i'm alone waterworks are there straight away

Your full name:
Kayla Donna Allison McClelland

Where is the last place you slept besides your own house?
hospital :'(

Are taller than 5'9?
nope :D

If you were in the hospital on life support, would the last person you kissed come and see you?
yes. i hope so.

How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
very often

Have you ever met someone who is amazing?
everyone i know is. somehow

Is anything on your body currently hurting?
my head. and toe :'( stubbed it

Are you happy with the way things are going?
nope. but what's new. there are a few things that i'm overjoyed about though.

What side of the bed do you sleep on?
left :)

What are you doing tomorrow?
school. maybe.

Did your last kiss take place on a bed?
nope. :)

How did your day start off?
thoughts - "SHIT ITS 8:30!!!"

Do you hate the last girl, other than family, you had a conversation with?
no, she is my sister.

Ever cut your own hair?
yep. all the time.

Do you believe you should change for someone?
no. change for yourself. no one else.

Do long distance relationships work?
don't know. depends on the people i guess.

Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?
of course.

Are you drifting away from any friends?
yes :(

Do you know anyone who has the same last name as you, that you arent related?
yes. weird.

Who would be the first person to know if you got pregnant?
the father. then kass.

What are your initials?
KDAM

What is your favourite thing to wear?
jeans and jumpers. and slippers.

Anyone you would like to get things straight with?
yup.

is there anyone you wouldn't mind punching?
there are a few. :)

Would you prefer a baby girl or boy?
i want 5 boys. :D

Is there anyone you couldn't live without?
definately

Do you think someone misses you?
doubt it.

Why do you hate the person you hate?
he/she. gets to me. and is cruel.

Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
yes. who doesnt

How many times does the letter 'A' appear in your full name?
five time.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
apparently not. but most of the time yeah

What color is your shirt?
blue :)

Do you have anything bothering you?
hahah. not enough room to list.

How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?
they probably would want to see it and then cool!!!

Ever sang to your crush?
not to them. probably near them. but not to. thats weird.


xxxxx

faaaaarrrrkkk......

hey. i had a good day today. then. it was shit. as soon as the bell went for the end of school, and luke stopped messing with my head. i was sad. i hate school, but its the only thing that keeps me a little bit sane. riiiiiiiiiiiiight. :\ not happy jaaaaan. hahaha "how do you fuck sideways?" "with great difficulty" sorry. it popped into my head. anyway. this is probably going to be awful short. i had a massage this arvo. noooice. i feel relaxed and bruised. :)
i miss you. so so so so much.

hahah i thought of something to write. kayla - 1; brain - 0

i love -

: you. & you & you & you

: that you know me so well.

: my blanket

: cookies and cream icecream.

: the support

: internet.

: chocolate.


i hate -

: you.

: that i haven't seen you in forever.

: that i didn't have nay money for chocolate today.

: me because of you.

: feeling this way & not getting rid of it.

: finding it hard to let go.

: the way you find it so easy to be so mean.

: and how i just accept it.

: and i hate how this list is longer than the other one.


anyway. you is a few different people in case you caught on.

IFLY!! xxxxxx

sorry. . . again...

this blog is for two main reasons. well one. to apologise. i'm sorry, for the past few days. they have been horrible. not just for me. non of this is in retaliation or anger. its just words, that hopefully mean something to you.

1. i'm sorry i ruined your few days. but you're my sister. if you were in a fucked up position i would want to know straight away. but thats me. i love you. and i will personally - as soon as i get my P's - take you to Wagga and party the crap out of that place. with whoever else wants to come. i'm sorry you had to cry your eyes out. but, never ever forget this. i. love. you. it may seem as if i'm careless and self centered. but thats not they way, i just get distracted. you do help too. you were the first one to care. and still, i think of you as the one that cares the most. having you pissed at me. kills me the most too. i don't know why, you don't know why we're connected. it's fucked up shit, you know that. and another thing, this is to anyone that reads this. love is thrown around to much. (the word) if i say it to you. i mean it. you have an impact on my life. somehow. you do. i hate how people don't take it seriously. it's a word that can change someones life in a second. it changed mine. you can't take love away. i don't think. as soon as you love someone that's it. they're in your heart forever.

2. i can't think of what i was going to write. any way. this week was shit. who cares. i'm done thinking about it.
btw. thank you kaileigh.. i love you. you added a brightness to my day. thank you cody. i love you too. you're more caring than i thought.
thank you kass.. your cute childishness makes me smile. all the time. and makes you closer and closer to being godmother. even though we both know you've got that in the bag. i love you too.

xxxxx

emotion sickness....

today, what a day. suicide. the only thought on my mind, sorry for being blunt by the way. sorry. i think about it, and i don't think about leaving my friends and family and a life that i could live that would be great with rainbows and butterflies and happiness, i think about the stuff i wanna leave behind.but that i know will be with me forever no matter how much "closure" i get. and when i weigh up the pros and cons its almost even, but tips to the cons. i know people get pissed at other people for attempting suicide. which is wrong. i know there are things behind it, but still. if a person tries and tries, then maybe you getting annoyed doesn't help. saying "think about me" is a bit selfish. (this isn't about anyone at all, i promise.
i don't know what to say some days. i know people are going through worse shit, but for once, i have to think about me, and it's really really hard. when your life is generally based around others and making sure everyone else is ok. its hard to turn that thought around. especially for me, i've had people telling me to "think of yourself" "dont worry about anyone else" etc etc etc. i physically find that soo hard to do. i can not function without knowing that others are ok. but then i get told, people wouldn't be okay without me. which hurts me even more. i love them, so much its unbearable to be away from them, or see them a little bit upset. but, then i'm torn. either way i'm dying one way or another.
i went to the counsellor on monday. she gave me 'alternatives' to cutting or other such things. she told me to put an elastic band on my wrist and pull it back and let go to try and get the same 'feeling'. she is a good counsellor, but that doesnt work. i pulled it back so much that it removed a layer of skin. and i was soo embarrassed and scared about people noticing and then questions starting again i covered it with makeup. that is sad. i've done the whole 'cutting' thing for a while. i don't anymore. but i need to find another alternative. ASAP. i don't care what it is. i just need one that will give me the same thing.
the cutting thing i'm sure is different for everyone. the way it feels. the way it makes you feel. for me, it makes me feel as if i can actually feel something. instead of constant numbness. now having everyone know about the 'incident' makes it harder to find alternatives. especially not being able to touch or hold the one i love the most because, somehow, he reminds me of Him. it kills me. it feels like i'm being pulled really hard inside my head. one side wants to risk the emotion breakdown, the other is trying not to kill me as much.
i've been having a fair bit of time off school lately. and i hate to say it but it's really good. i hate school. i hate pressure, i hate being told i'm not good at something with a bad mark. and i hate being looked down on. it hurts. i could just be me, being paranoid. but who cares.
touching people at the moment, like a hug, makes me vomit. or worse, i have a massive anxiety attack. with a few its not bad. i try my hardest with mum and dad to not hurt them, but its still hurts. i tried to test it today with k**s. fail. epic fail. i walked to homeroom. walked in, walked out. vomit everywhere out the back. lovely. not trying that again. and the more people now that know about the 'incident' the more unsteady and unprotected i feel. i know i should feel better about it, but i don't. i feel ashamed especially when people say 'why didn't you say anything earlier'. i'm sorry, but it doesn't make me feel any better about myself.

i don't know what i can say anymore. this is the web. so i'm not going to write what happened up here. if you ask i might tell. maybe.
i'm done. my hands are freezing.
xxx

another...

1. Relationship Status= In an amazing relationship.

2. Nickname(s)= Kayla Bayla, K, Oi!, Bitch, Woman, Beautiful(i like that one the most)

3. Zodiac sign = Aquarius

4. Male or female = female

5. Pre - School = Camelia Cottage :D

6. Primary School = St Bernards, Broulee Primary, Palmyra Primary

7. High School = Carroll College

8. Hair color = Dark brown

9. Long or Short = Shoulder length

10. Loud or Quiet music = Both

11. Sweats or Jeans = Jeans

12. Phone or Camera = Camera and Phone

13. Health freak = a little bit.

14. In a Relationship or Single = relationship?

16. Indoor or Outdoor = Both

17. Tattoo = ASAP

18. Pepsi or Coke =pepsi

19. Been in an airplane = Yuss

20. Been in a relationship = Yeah

21. Been in a car accident = yes

22. Been in a fist fight = yes

23. First piercing = had my ears pierced but they closed

24. First best friend = Mikki & Jess

28. First big journey = flew to NZ when i was 3 months old.

29. Last person you talked to in person today = Kendall

30. Last person you texted = Dusty and Alex

31. Last person you watched a show with = Dylan..

32. Last food you ate = Spag bol

33. Last movie you watched = Avatar <3

34. Last song you listened to= Babylon - David Gray

35. Last thing you bought = Bottle of water.

36. Last person you hugged = Annie

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE

37. Food = dark chocolate <3

38. Drinks = lemon lime bitters

39. Clothing = nice top, jeans, thongs, cardie.

40. Flower = White Roses

41. Who is the most amazing girl in the world? = i dont know, i know heaps of amazing girls...kass.

42. Color(s) = white and green

43. Movies = gah, a tear jerker.

44. Subjects =Music

X IF YES:

46. [X] celebrated Halloween

48. [ ]UNLIMITED minutes and/or texts on your cell phone

49. [X] had someone question their sexual orientation

51. [] got pregnant

52. [] had an abortion

53. [X] did something you regret

54. [X] broke a promise

55. [X] hid a secret

56. [X] pretended to be happy when not

57. [X] met someone who changed your life

58. [X] pretended to be sick

59. [X] left the country

60. [X] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it

61. [x] cried over the silliest thing

62. [X] ran a mile with out stopping

63. [X] went to the beach with my best friend

64. [X] got into an argument with your friends

65. [X] hated someone

66. [X] have ever stayed single a whole year


CURRENTLY:

67. Eating= Nothing

68. Drinking= water

69. Listening to= David Gray

73. Want kids = definately

74. Want to get married = very much so

75. Careers in mind = viticulture.

IN THE OPPOSITE SEX:

77. Shorter or taller = taller

78. Eye color= Any

79. Dark hair or light = darker

81. Hook-up or relationship = Relationship

82. Looks or personality = Personality, looks are bonus


HAVE YOU EVER

83. Lost glasses/ contacts = Yeah

85. Held a gun/knife for self definse= yes

86. Killed somebody = almost

88. Been arrested = Nope

89. Cried when somone died = yes. :(

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

90. Yourself = no

91. Miracles = some

92. Love at first sight = no

93. Easter bunny = Easter Bilby

94. Santa Claus = no

95. Sex on the first date = no

96. Kiss on the first date = yes

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? yup :(

98. Is there something you would like to say to someone? yes, but i can't

gaaah....

stole this from kass, cos i couldn't be arsed :)


How many drugs are in your system?
a fair few. all legal though

How tall is the last person you talked too?
30cms taller . . . give or take.

What's on your schedule for tomorrow?
school, lunch with dad, sleep.

What colour is your iPod?
Purple :D

Do you always answer your texts?
most of the time.

Who was the last person to text you?
Alex. <3

If you didn't go to the school you currently go to where would you go?
Perth.

Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy?
yup :(

Do you fall for people easily?
no.

Is it easier to pretend everything's okay for you?
always.

When is the next time you will kiss someone of the opposite sex?
ASAP.

Whats your current mood?
overwhelmed.

Do you have to sleep with a television on?
noppe ??

Do you own a digital camera?
yus, im getting a better one soon though

If you were offered to smoke some weed right now would you accept?
probably not.

How did you spend the last five minutes of 2009?
smashed. :D

Were you worried about anyone last night?
very very.

How old will you be in 2012, the year that the world is meant to end?
18

Are you scared for anything in the future to come?
yes. very.

Was your new years a good one?
nope. it was very confusing.

What are you doing right now?
doing this thingy, waiting for my pasta to cook.

Do you think you will become a better person this year?
hmmm nup.

Did you get any drunken phone calls last night?
yes, how did you know?

Are you looking forward to something as of right now?
not really.

Have you ever worn false eyelashes?
nope.

When was the last time you saw snow?
sept last year.

What did you do yesterday?
nothing really.

Are you wearing make-up?
yup.

Do you think you are pregnant?
not anymore :P

Where would you most like to visit?
Perth. Western Australia area. Ireland.

If you had a tree that could grow anything you want, what would it grow?
money!!

What does your last outgoing text say?
love you too xoxo

Did you have fun last night?
nooo.

Where did you get the pants you are wearing?
i don't know. i think target.

Do you follow your head or your heart?
either.

Looking back, did you ever think you would be where you’re at now?
nope.

Are you a jealous person?
not as a rule.

Reason for the last tear shed?
dissapointment.

Don't you hate it when your cell phone dies right in the middle of a conversation?
YES!

Do you hate it when you know someone first, and someone else starts talking to them more?
thats a silly thing to hate over.

Are you currently talking to/ texting/ instant messaging anyone?
yeees

Would you go in public looking like you do right now?
yes.

Would you rather sleep for 3 days, or stay awake for 3 days?
awake.


xxx

what to do....

as times get harder, i get more distant. i try and try, but still fail to connect with the closest ones. i don't know how to be with them and put on a brave face anymore. it's too hard. i love them all, but i don't want them to be unhappy, especially not because of me. the really close ones are still there, but i feel lost to the rest. it hurts. more than everything else. i feel like a dickhead for sometimes not telling one person enough, or another too much. i can't tell one person something and them only know, they all have to know. which doesn't hurt, just saying it over and over does. sometimes my problems come last. which hasn't bothered me until now, they've all dropped. that knife above my head. it fell. the only thing that could make this worse is if it happen again, or if someone died. no. it can't happen. as this short blog comes to a close i think, why am i here? why am i STILL here? there must be some reason.
so, if tomorrow never comes. i love you.
xxx

life song....

She doesn't look, she doesn't see
Opens up for nobody
Figures out, she figures out
Narrow line, she can't decide
Everything short of suicide
Never hurts, nearly works

Something is scratching
It's way out
Something you want
To forget about

A part of you that'll never show
You're the only one that'll ever know
Take it back when it all began
Take your time, would you understand
What it's all about?
What it's all about?

Something is scratching it's way out
Something you want
To forget about
No one expects
You get up
All on your own with
No one around

Something is scratching it's way out
Something you want
To forget aboutNo one expects
You get up
All on your own with
No one around

in repair....

Hey all,
As the closest to me would know, these past few days have been exceptionally hard on me. So I've decided to, again, speak through lyrics. These are perfect.
xxoo

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

And now i'm walking in a park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unready
Oh i'm never really ready, i'm never really ready
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there



xxx

unwell...

it's been a really long time since i've blogged. and the last few were quite negative. though, thats how everything seems to be at the moment. no matter how much i try, everything still ends the same way. badly. i want to leave school, and ditch everything and just go hide somewhere away from everything and everyone. and i'm pretty sure i'm not the only one. i've discovered who my true friends really are, the ones that stick around during the hard times. one that stands out from the rest, and i will be in debt to them till the day i die, no matter how close or far away that day will be.
i've never been good at the whole writing really long blogs. so here's some lyrics for my mood. :)

All day starin' at the ceilin' makin' friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices tellin' me that I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for somethin'
Hold on, feelin' like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwellI know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of meI'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be, me

I'm talkin' to myself in public, dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talkin' about me
I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think
There must be somethin' wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinkin', somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talkin' in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're takin' me away

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be, how I used to be
I'm just a little unwell


that pretty much sums it all up for the moment. i don't care if people think its melodramatic. it spoke to me.
xx

i'm sorry...

there is a few people i would like to say sorry too.
the people that i pushed away when i really did need them and didn't realise.
i'm sorry. i realise now, that i feel more alone than ever because i pushed you away.
it's a weird feeling though, being afraid to be alone. knowing that people have given up on you. strangely, it hurt. more than i thought it would.
i'm still sorry. but i need time. i've told this to some. but to the rest. i need time.
still, sorry.
x

dream..

for the past 2 and a bit years close to 3, ive been having nightmares most nights. the same themed dreams with different scenarios and the exact same ending.
theme - self sacrifice. e.g me taking a bullet for a friend or family member.
scenario - changes every night.
ending - i watch myself die in hospital then, my funeral, on a beach, same music played, friends and family throw away my ashes. posts in the sand with blue and grey ribbons coming off them.

kayla wakes up, in tears.

i've read every last little thing about dreams. i've seen doctors, psychiatrists, clairvoyents (however you spell it), spiritualists, i've tried everything. no result, just another shitty thing i have to put up with.

then sometimes, when i wake up, i wish i could just go back to sleep and keep dreaming. its seems as if being awake is the real nightmare. whereas in my nightmares, i can stay there, i can protect my friends, but on the outside when i do that, i don't die, just parts of me do trying too. i love my friends soo much, they don't know how much sometimes.

the thoughts are still there, though they never do completely leave, they just slowly drift. though that isn't quite what is happening, these little thoughts are yelling at me, to do things that will make me feel better, but upset my friends. i can't do that, especially when i don't want to be hurting them.

oh well, i'll find an answer... hopefully.
xx

too late for heroes.....

i haven't blogged for a while now, and lets just say, its been a shitty couple of weeks.
besides breaking a really great guys heart, i started some of my "old habits" again, scaring a couple of my friends. and after much d & m-ing, that i didn't want, i've made no progress, not to the knowledge of the two trying their hardest to help, and they both don't read blogs so i doesn't matter. as much as i love the fact they are trying to help, it's my problem, and i need to get around it.
though thankyou to those that have been there for me. and i'm sorry to each one of them as well. it's really hard to tell someone you don't want their help, when all they will concentrate on is helping. guys, i'm sorry, but i don't need it. you probably think i do, but i'm ok.

another thing that has added to a shitty couple of days is that good old stereotype that a few music students seem to be getting. you know, get this i bet you never knew this. music students, do study other subjects, suprising i know, we don't only spend all our time doing music work. what controversy!! and funnily enough, when we do WORK OUR ARSES OFF, we have to catch up on all the work we miss, and the expectation for us to finish our work is exactly the same as the rest of the students in the class. and there are other music students in the class, not just the few that are singled out everytime. and because we are passionate about music, we get stereotyped for it. "bludge subject" ok, why don't one of you that say that come and do it for a week. yeah, good luck.

sorry, but i needed to get that off my chest.

i don't give a shit about anything anymore, and it upsets me, that i don't care about myself, and anything that happens to me. oh well. we'll see where this goes.

xx

storytime....

As she stared through the misted windows and watched the frost fade from the ground, she contemplated the feeling of loss. She tried to imagine what it would be like if she ever lost someone, she didn’t understand the emotions that were experienced; she didn’t know how to comfort someone that had lost a friend. You wouldn’t call her heartless, she care and even loved. She just didn’t know how to empathise with people, she had never really experienced pain, well at least she thought she hadn’t. Maybe her definition of pain was different to others. She had definitions for physical pain, but not emotional, she had felt sad, but not depressed. Was there something wrong with her? She would be too embarrassed to tell someone, she was scared of confrontation and people talking about her. The thought of confrontation made the temperature on her neck and face rise, colour flooding into her cheeks. The emotion she felt now was numbness, she had lost a friend, a relative with a different family. the sadness hadn't hit yet, it had been three days, she hadn't seen anything but a blur since friday.
"the stage of shock was the longest" she was told, as a doctor told her mother the morning she was admitted to hospital after passing out from "exhaustion". after half a day of tests, that was the outcome of her little trip to the emergency ward of the rural hospital.

the friday that the school was notified of the death, was an eerie day, there were tears and silence, all around, teachers in shock as were the students. there were others that did not know her that, stood and talked about how bad they felt for the friends and family, they would never understand the emotions. many people contemplated saying something to her, but they wouldn't know what, "i'm sorry for your loss" was too generic, so instead people gave a smile and pat on the shoulder or a hug. of course they had no idea what was going on in her mind......

every day is a suprise...

today, what can i say, it was pretty good, before i got home. i spent the day looking forward to the afternoon, a few hours with a couple of my closest friends, 'studying'. i spent the majority of the afternoon talking to now, one of my bestest friends, he still suprises me everyday, besides the usual sexual innuendos (in-your-end-os!!(insert laughter here)) he suprises me, showing me his sensitive side and telling me how much i mean to him. *tear* i could have seriously cried at the amount of really nice things he said to me in a matter of minutes. i guess, people should never judge book by it's cover, i know i don't.
this is a really short blog, but b***y if you read this, which you probs won't cos you hate blogs. thank you sooo much, you mean soo much to me. x

xx

tears on my shoulder...

after spending the afternoon crying, for a reason that is beyond me, i started to think what i could be.
there are a few reasons that people suggested:
1. stress from school - don't think so.
2. weight from friends - definately not.
3. mum and dad splitting up - no.
4. confused about boyfriend - "go away, do you really think that" (my reply to that)

after a bit more thought, i realised something, i physically can not cry in front of people, and i only cry when i'm alone, and there is no one in the house. no matter how distracted i am when i am by myself, i always end up crying, and i discovered my feeelings when i am alone.
1. i feel abandoned
2. i feel afraid, mainly of myself
3. i feel numb

and then another realisation, that was how i felt when i was having my "bad stage" as my mother so gracefully puts it. it dawned on me, i'm afraid to be by myself, i am afraid of being alone, i am afraid of my mind and the thoughts within it.

i know i'm not the only one, that has these thoughts and freaks out about it, because that have done all the self hurting shit, and to those who have gone all the way, i salute you. you will be remembered and missed. though i know i could never do it, and as a close friend of mine said "its the cheaters way out", and i thought for a 16 y/o that was about as wise as it gets.

another reason i think is because, i physically cannot stop myself from pretending that i'm ok, i don't know how to stop pretending. if anyone has any ideas, they would be greatly appreciated.
xx

light a light...

as i sit in my study, with my candle lit, keeping mr C's tradition of lighting a candle during study time, i've had a little break from study and read a few blogs. and i've thought to myself, should i tell people everything? do i need to? is it necessary for people to know why i am like i am?
all i think i can say is that:
1. if it weren't for my friends, people would be remembering me, not knowing me.
2. i wouldn't be as strong minded as i am.
3. i wouldn't appreciate things as much as i do.

so in a way what happened to me, was a blessing in disguise. they do exist, and i do belive everything happens for a reason, and you can learn from everything. as much as i hate to quote a carroll college motto 'learning for life', it is really true, no matter how you take it.

hey girl, you know i've been a dreamer

following dream, i dreamed on my own

all the dreams of, the dreams that sustain me

i'm tired of dreaming alone

light a light, leave it in the window

i'm coming back, back home to you,

light a light, leave it in the window

i'll be coming back home

there are times when, i'm feeling so fearful

times when i'm caught up and crying inside

those times may find me

always remind me

of hoping to find you hear by my side

light a light

leave it in the window

i'm coming back back home to you

light a light leave it in the window

i'll be coming back home, i'll be coming back home

i love that song, it made me cry the first time i heard it, whenever i need to be picked up, or feel like shit, i listen to that song, and for some reason, it brings out a real happiness in me, it makes me appreciate things, i have no idea why.

actually, i think i know why, i think its because i was really sad the first time i heard it, and i was thinking about stuff, and then when it came on i found this really nice spot along the river, i sat down and looked through the trees at the sunset over the river, and it was the most beautiful thing i'd seen in a long time. and i realised, there is soo much more in this world to live for, there is too much to leave behind, too many people there would be to say goodbye to.

there is no way i'm doing THAT.

i think something that's nice, for anyone that wants to, is finding a spot, away from people, in the bush or down the beach or wherever, where no one can find you, a place where you can sit and just be, where you can write or draw, or play or whatever, all i know is that it's really helped me, and if you're having troubles, it could help you too.

xx

finally not falling apart...

there is now, finally, after a long time, something i can count on. two things.
1. my friends, they are the most amazing fun bunch of people.
2. my amazing boyfriend, who i can't bear to be without.
these two amazing things, have started to get my mind into check, and stopping it from going AWOL constantly.

today was interesting, ally discovered g-spots, cody discovered our group, john went nutso..again, we d&m'd and that was about it.

there's not much else that happened today, i got my arse KICKED at training tonight. and i'm going to be verrry sore tomorrow. lucky all i'm doing is study :

i can't describe the feeling of happiness when i see alex in the morning and that first smile i get, for me its a feeling of relief seeing him there, dreading the days when he will be away. when i felt his arm around me today at reccess, i felt as if he was emotionally clinging to me, it was a nice feeling, and whats even greater, being called beautiful, instead of cute, that just pisses me off.

now there is this friend i have, and he is a great guy. he is funny, secretly caring and honest. and we had really nice talk today, and i said something to try and cheer him up and stir him a bit to get a smile or a laugh out of him, though i failed, i got something really nice out of it. i felt loved and appreciated. even though with alex i feel that all the time, which is a nice change. but this friend of mine, said it in a way that was just simple and easy to understand his honesty. you've got to understand this, when a compliment comes from this guy, when its directed at me, its true, and he is being earnest and caring. and it damn near makes me cry, seeing as the compliments are getting more and more frequent, i could totally get used to that.

and i have another friend that needs a bit of TLC, and man, he sure does get it, from me at least, i try and act like everything is reasonably normal and let him open up first. which does take a while but after two afternoons, and a long walk, it worked, i feel like i've helped, by doing not much at all; which sometimes is the best way to help someone, do nothing, let them come to you. which as few know, i'm very used to.

another dear friend of mine, needs to destress, she worries more than i do, she is generally happy, bubbly, cheeky and soo much fun to be with and around, today was different, my heart broke for her and the angst and hurt she felt. i couldn't help but feel terrible seeing her eyes well up slightly, and then try to pass it off without anyone noticing, well she thought no one noticed.

well, thats it for me, that would have to be my longest blog ever, even though only two people actually read it.
xx

worry...

im just starting to get used to this blogging thing now, and im thinking im going to contradict my first blog even more, eghh screw it, what do i care?
seriously if people dont stop telling me "don't worry" im going to go ahead and explode.
i honestly don't know why people still say that to me, there is no one of my friends that don't know that when people say that i worry like crazy. about every possible outcome of what could be going on.
i don't care if people think im a worrier, thats what i am, thats what i do. does anything think it might be because i care for the people i love, and i don't want them to upset, scared or hurting.
and if i get told not to say sorry again, im seriously going to explode. it's what i do, if people don't like that, then i'm sorry, but i'm not changing for anyone but myself. i love my friends, i would do anything for them, anything. thats not going to change, if you don't like that. well, i couldn't care less. to be totally, honest.
i feel better, after my little rant.
x

contradiction...oh well.

right now, im going to totally contradict myself now, aaaand i dont give a shit. :)
everyone seems to be writing about their life and their problems sooo, im going to join in.
the last time i told someone my full life story, they cried, and hugged me for two hours, by the end of it, i was in quite alot of back pain.
to those that know my story, what can i say, you dont know how much i trust you with that, that little story i've placed on your shoulders, is my life, and please please respect that. but i know you all will, otherwise, i wouldnt have told you.
that 'little' story that you've been told, takes a enormous weight off my shoulders and its a nice feeling, being mentally lighter.
as many of my friends know, it takes A LOT for me to cry in front of them, i havent even in front of my BEST FRIEND for fooks sake.
but to all those that know,
1. i'm so terribly sorry.
2. thank you, soo very much.
x

appreciation...

just a heads up, this isn't directed at anyone inparticular. promise.
i think our age group needs to lighten up a bit and appreciate the things that we have, i totally get that people have problems, im not denying that...AT ALL. but there are so many amazing resources that we have available to us, we all have great friends, and even though no ones life is perfect, i think people should strive to make it perfect for themselves. don't do it for anyone elses satifaction only your own.
and when you're down about getting a C in english, forget about it, it could have been worse, you could have failed. :) just think, just then, someone lost their mum in a car accident, just then a expecting mother just had a miscarrige, and woah woah watch out, you got a C, wow man, that must reeaaalllly suck.
appreciate the simple things, people, those are the things you need.
x