what to do....

as times get harder, i get more distant. i try and try, but still fail to connect with the closest ones. i don't know how to be with them and put on a brave face anymore. it's too hard. i love them all, but i don't want them to be unhappy, especially not because of me. the really close ones are still there, but i feel lost to the rest. it hurts. more than everything else. i feel like a dickhead for sometimes not telling one person enough, or another too much. i can't tell one person something and them only know, they all have to know. which doesn't hurt, just saying it over and over does. sometimes my problems come last. which hasn't bothered me until now, they've all dropped. that knife above my head. it fell. the only thing that could make this worse is if it happen again, or if someone died. no. it can't happen. as this short blog comes to a close i think, why am i here? why am i STILL here? there must be some reason.
so, if tomorrow never comes. i love you.
xxx