only to be with you.....

finally. things are starting to look up. i hate feeling nervous and anxious though. but, there are more good days than bad ones at the moment. which is good. a few little things throw me off, but now that i'm trying harder than my hardest it's paying off. i've got one word of advice to people that want/need help.....'communication'. it's so simple but it really really helps.

well. i can't think of anything else to write. the rain is nice. i love you. and CILY!

xxx

meh...

Who was your crush in 5th grade?
cade.

About how many hours of sleep did you get last night?
1

Is your hair naturally straight?
mhmm. i don't like it

Do you wish anyone in particular was still in your life?
yes..

Are relationships ever really worth it?
yes.

Who was the last person to text you?
alex..

What's the weather like outside?
wet...cold...dark.

Where was the last place you bought something?
woolies...fishermans friend <3

Did you sing at all today?
i dunno probably.

What is your current desktop picture?
the beach

Is there anyone you're holding onto, even though you know you shouldn't?
yeah..

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
yep...tattoo in 25 days :D

Is there someone, that if they walked out of your life, you'd just give up?
definately

Have you ever made out with someone that has a tattoo?
mhmm.

When will your next kiss take place?
school...

When you're getting ready for something, do you listen to music?
yes.

When you're single is it alright to kiss random boys/girls?
i spose...

Which do you prefer - eyes or lips?
eyes.

What were you doing at 11:59 PM on sunday night?
reading..

Do you think age matters in relationships?
sometimes its weird if there is a huge age difference, but who cares.

Is there someone you can’t stop thinking about?
yeep.

Do your parents have a MySpace account?
nerp.

Did you sleep alone last night?
yeah...well i lay in bed. i didn't really sleep

Would you rather have your nose or tongue pierced?
nose...

You can only drink one liquid for the rest of you life, what is it?
orange juice...with pulp in it...or lemon lime bitters...or water..

What woke you up this morning?
ummm i don't know..i might have done a huge twitch that woke me up.

Do you have feelings for anyone?
yes.

Where are you located right now?
in front of the computer.

Do you think pot should be legalized?
yeah..then people would stop getting introuble for havin it.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 3 months?
yep.

Are your eyes the same color as your dad's?
nope.

Is your best friend a slut?
hahahahahah...no.

Have you ever liked someone that was in a relationship?
yep.

Would you prefer to date someone taller, shorter or the same height as you?
taller..

Day been rough?
good and bad.

What song are you currently listening to?
turn me on - norah jones. <3

What was the last thing you ate?
apple

Where is your phone?
next to me.

How often do you talk on the phone?
very.

If your phone goes off during the night, do you answer it?
yeah if i wake up..

Do you think you will be in a relationship two months from now?
yes.

Do you miss someone?
yes..:(

Do you want kids?
five boys.

Do you believe what comes around goes around?
definately.

Has anyone ever tried to ruin a relationship you were in?
yep...and succeeded.

Do you know anyone who's been in jail?
yep haha

Have you ever been in an ambulance?
yep :\

If you were on life support, would the last person you kissed come see you?
he would be the first there.

Where did you sleep last night?
on the floor.

Does anyone like you?
i hope so.

Could you go a month without talking to your best friend?
nope i can't go a couple of days.

Do you think you're old?
yes extremely...(insert sarcastic tone here )

What were you doing at twelve last night?
reading...

Have you consumed alcohol in the past 24hrs?
not that i know of.

Last person you kissed calls you right now, what happens?
the flirting starts. :P

Last song you listened to?
Right Where You Want Me To Be - A Day to Remember.

Last person you called was?
dad.

Have you had sex today?
no?

Are you in a good mood?
reasonably

Has anyone told you they loved you today?
three seconds ago.

Do you hate anyone?
yep.

Has anyone ever cheated on you?
hope not..

Has anyone ever cheated on there boyfriend/ girlfriend for you?
not that i know of..

Have you hugged anyone today?
yup.

What are you doing?
listening to music, chatting, txting..

Do you care that people will judge you because of your answers?
no, who cares.

Will you watch television tonight?
yup.

Are you keeping a big secret right now?
yes.

Do you need to talk to anyone?
yeah...

Last person to make you smile?
josh..

What is on your wrists?
writing,scars, my brothers nail marks - little bitch- skin.

Look to your left what do you see?
window.

Do you have a bestfriend?
a few.

What colour is your hair?
dark brown

What phone company are you with?
virgin..

Where is your boyfriend at the moment?
at his house..

Have you ever kissed in the rain?
yep..

Are you in a good mood?
sorta...didnt i already answer that.

Would you ever want to swim with sharks?
definately.

Are you dating the very last person you kissed?
yes.

Do you want them to ask you out?
-

Are you close friends with people in lower grades?
yep.

Do you think someone's thinking about you right now?
hmmm maybe.

Last conversation you had with a boy?
why he isn't stupid.

What was the last thing you said to someone?
"piss off little shit"

Do you dance in the car?
yeah...:\

Are you in high school?
yep

How long would it take to walk to the nearest McDonald's?
i wouldn't.

Do you remember the full name of the person you liked on New Years?
alex smith.

Have you ever held hands with the opposite sex?
yes

Have you ever liked someone older than you?
yeah.

Are you perfect?
god no.

What did you last put in your mouth?
apple

Where did you last sleep other than your own bed or house?
sick bay.

People you could not live without?
everyone i love.

Where and who did you spend last night with?
my book. in my room.

Who did you sit next to in last period today?
alex and cody :P

Smoking or drinking?
drinking..

Can you sleep in jeans?
yeeep.

Do you ever wonder "what if"?
yeah sometimes.

Do you honestly think you could last a week without a computer or cellphone?
yeah i have before..just.

Do you honestly LOVE your friends?
yeah definately.

Do you think relationships at your age mean anything?
yeah of course.

If you drank 15 beers what would you be doing?
lying on the floor or dancing around something.

Doesn’t it drive you nuts when people think they ‘need’ to have a relationship?
yeah, but i'm in one and i need it soooo i dont know.

When was the last time you laughed really hard?
ummmm, dunno.

Would you rather give up the computer or the TV?
televison

What was the last song you listened to?
Your Body is A Wonderland...hahaha John Mayer.

Do you have an iphone?
no, they're silly.

Do you eat meat?
yup

Would you rather myspace or facebook?
facebook.

Can you cook steak?
yep

How many kids do you want to have in the future?
five.

Whens the last time you wished on a shooting star?
a couple of nights ago.

Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?
yep with a few additions.

Have you ever had to choose between two people?
yep :'(


xxx

faaaarkk you.....

i know some people read this blog, and it pretty much is me not giving a shit what people think. sooo, if you don't like it, or you think i'm a liar about shit i tell other people in confidence then...screw you.
i've got my shit, and i know you have yours (to whoever), so i'll stay out of your way, you stay out of mine. .... bye.

p.s. i don't get any satisfaction out of writing this shit. soo, screw you.

blog....

i just read a few other blogs. now i feel sick. some of the pain people go through is really sad. i've had my fair share of shit, and i guess that leads to empathy and appreciation for people that are stronger than they think.
i was thinking, just now, that i'm getting closer to the road to recovery. at the moment, it's still, pretend you're okay and no one will notice. i've discovered i'm a pretty good actor. i fool myself sometimes.
there are times though, that i am happy. times when i feel strong, and there is everything to live for.
i still get down. but thats just me. i know it's stupid. but that is also just me. anywho, i must fly.....JUST FOUND OUT!! MUM SAID YES TO GETTING A TATTOO!!!!!

xxx

naarrrrrff.....

oh my god. i never thought it would take 10 seconds to make me high. literally. just one little kiss makes me feel like i've have about.... i don't know what to write.
exams are pissing me off. so is my brother. and another peoples family/siblings for upsetting my friends. grrrrr.
anyway.
i love you. and you and you.

xxxx

bite my tongue....

you know what gives me the shits. people that talk about you behind your back, and not nice things. petty and mean shit. i mean come on. shut the fuck up. anywho. everyone, its not nice to talk shit about people. say nice things. but mean...no.

xxx

dum de dum....

harrow. i think i'm getting happy. well, for now. i love him so much. it seems as if there is so much love in our group. it's weird. i love it. haha. but it's weird. hmmm, i haven't really got much to say. besides GAH!!! my head is going to splode. any second. sucked in to the one that has to clean me up :D








IFLY !!!!!!!!!!




















I made a habit
Of never making promises
That aren't easy to keep
And there you have it
But now I'll make you one that is
To keep you here with me

But as every second that goes by
I feel it's just a waste of time
If I'm not with you

If home is where the heart is
Then my home is where you are (my home is where you are)
But it's getting oh so hard
To spend these days
Without my heart

So I'm taking you with me
Anywhere that I
Could ever wanna be
For the rest of my life
I want you there with me
And if there ever comes a time
When I should have to leave
I hope you know that I
I'm taking you with me

And so I'm trying
To hold it all together and
Make it through the day
When I'm just dyin'
To drop it all and take your hand
So we can run away
from all the miles and the hours
That seem to endlessly devour

The time that I could be with you

If home is where the heart is
Then my home is where you are (my home is where you are)
It's getting oh so hard
To spend these days
Without my heart

So I'm taking you with me
Anywhere that I
Could ever wanna be
For the rest of my life
I want you there with me
And if there ever comes a time
Where I should have to leave
I hope you know that I
I'm taking you with me

Every second that goes by
Is one more second of my life
And it couldn't be more clear
That I would die without you here
And every second that goes by
Is one more second of my life
And it couldn't be more clear
I'm dying without you here
Yeah every second that goes by (yeah every second that goes by)

So I'm taking you with me
Anywhere that I
Could ever wanna be
For the rest of my life
I want you there with me
And if there ever comes a time
Where I should have to leave
I hope you know that I
I'm taking you with me

another....again...another.....

Would you fall apart if that last person you kissed walked out of your life?
fall even further

Do you drink lots of booze?
not always. but when i do, i drink alot.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed?
mum.

Have you ever felt like you literally needed someone?
yeh. always.

Ever kissed someone who's first name starts with an "C" or a "R"?
ummm. i don't know. that is a weird question.

Could you handle being married to the last person you kissed?
yes. but, yes.

Ever been told you were loved by someone who didn't mean it?
i don't know. i hope not.

Do you ever think of someone & start crying?
yes.

Do you think the last boy you kissed cares for you?
he better. or i'm fucked.

Does seeing couples in love make you mad?
no. it's a good thing.

When was the last time you really laughed? Why?
today. stupid luke.

If someone warns you about someone, do you listen?
sometimes. but i'll make my own decision.

Does it take a lot to make you cry?
yep. only if i'm with people. if i'm alone waterworks are there straight away

Your full name:
Kayla Donna Allison McClelland

Where is the last place you slept besides your own house?
hospital :'(

Are taller than 5'9?
nope :D

If you were in the hospital on life support, would the last person you kissed come and see you?
yes. i hope so.

How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
very often

Have you ever met someone who is amazing?
everyone i know is. somehow

Is anything on your body currently hurting?
my head. and toe :'( stubbed it

Are you happy with the way things are going?
nope. but what's new. there are a few things that i'm overjoyed about though.

What side of the bed do you sleep on?
left :)

What are you doing tomorrow?
school. maybe.

Did your last kiss take place on a bed?
nope. :)

How did your day start off?
thoughts - "SHIT ITS 8:30!!!"

Do you hate the last girl, other than family, you had a conversation with?
no, she is my sister.

Ever cut your own hair?
yep. all the time.

Do you believe you should change for someone?
no. change for yourself. no one else.

Do long distance relationships work?
don't know. depends on the people i guess.

Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life?
of course.

Are you drifting away from any friends?
yes :(

Do you know anyone who has the same last name as you, that you arent related?
yes. weird.

Who would be the first person to know if you got pregnant?
the father. then kass.

What are your initials?
KDAM

What is your favourite thing to wear?
jeans and jumpers. and slippers.

Anyone you would like to get things straight with?
yup.

is there anyone you wouldn't mind punching?
there are a few. :)

Would you prefer a baby girl or boy?
i want 5 boys. :D

Is there anyone you couldn't live without?
definately

Do you think someone misses you?
doubt it.

Why do you hate the person you hate?
he/she. gets to me. and is cruel.

Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
yes. who doesnt

How many times does the letter 'A' appear in your full name?
five time.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
apparently not. but most of the time yeah

What color is your shirt?
blue :)

Do you have anything bothering you?
hahah. not enough room to list.

How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?
they probably would want to see it and then cool!!!

Ever sang to your crush?
not to them. probably near them. but not to. thats weird.


xxxxx

faaaaarrrrkkk......

hey. i had a good day today. then. it was shit. as soon as the bell went for the end of school, and luke stopped messing with my head. i was sad. i hate school, but its the only thing that keeps me a little bit sane. riiiiiiiiiiiiight. :\ not happy jaaaaan. hahaha "how do you fuck sideways?" "with great difficulty" sorry. it popped into my head. anyway. this is probably going to be awful short. i had a massage this arvo. noooice. i feel relaxed and bruised. :)
i miss you. so so so so much.

hahah i thought of something to write. kayla - 1; brain - 0

i love -

: you. & you & you & you

: that you know me so well.

: my blanket

: cookies and cream icecream.

: the support

: internet.

: chocolate.


i hate -

: you.

: that i haven't seen you in forever.

: that i didn't have nay money for chocolate today.

: me because of you.

: feeling this way & not getting rid of it.

: finding it hard to let go.

: the way you find it so easy to be so mean.

: and how i just accept it.

: and i hate how this list is longer than the other one.


anyway. you is a few different people in case you caught on.

IFLY!! xxxxxx

sorry. . . again...

this blog is for two main reasons. well one. to apologise. i'm sorry, for the past few days. they have been horrible. not just for me. non of this is in retaliation or anger. its just words, that hopefully mean something to you.

1. i'm sorry i ruined your few days. but you're my sister. if you were in a fucked up position i would want to know straight away. but thats me. i love you. and i will personally - as soon as i get my P's - take you to Wagga and party the crap out of that place. with whoever else wants to come. i'm sorry you had to cry your eyes out. but, never ever forget this. i. love. you. it may seem as if i'm careless and self centered. but thats not they way, i just get distracted. you do help too. you were the first one to care. and still, i think of you as the one that cares the most. having you pissed at me. kills me the most too. i don't know why, you don't know why we're connected. it's fucked up shit, you know that. and another thing, this is to anyone that reads this. love is thrown around to much. (the word) if i say it to you. i mean it. you have an impact on my life. somehow. you do. i hate how people don't take it seriously. it's a word that can change someones life in a second. it changed mine. you can't take love away. i don't think. as soon as you love someone that's it. they're in your heart forever.

2. i can't think of what i was going to write. any way. this week was shit. who cares. i'm done thinking about it.
btw. thank you kaileigh.. i love you. you added a brightness to my day. thank you cody. i love you too. you're more caring than i thought.
thank you kass.. your cute childishness makes me smile. all the time. and makes you closer and closer to being godmother. even though we both know you've got that in the bag. i love you too.

xxxxx

emotion sickness....

today, what a day. suicide. the only thought on my mind, sorry for being blunt by the way. sorry. i think about it, and i don't think about leaving my friends and family and a life that i could live that would be great with rainbows and butterflies and happiness, i think about the stuff i wanna leave behind.but that i know will be with me forever no matter how much "closure" i get. and when i weigh up the pros and cons its almost even, but tips to the cons. i know people get pissed at other people for attempting suicide. which is wrong. i know there are things behind it, but still. if a person tries and tries, then maybe you getting annoyed doesn't help. saying "think about me" is a bit selfish. (this isn't about anyone at all, i promise.
i don't know what to say some days. i know people are going through worse shit, but for once, i have to think about me, and it's really really hard. when your life is generally based around others and making sure everyone else is ok. its hard to turn that thought around. especially for me, i've had people telling me to "think of yourself" "dont worry about anyone else" etc etc etc. i physically find that soo hard to do. i can not function without knowing that others are ok. but then i get told, people wouldn't be okay without me. which hurts me even more. i love them, so much its unbearable to be away from them, or see them a little bit upset. but, then i'm torn. either way i'm dying one way or another.
i went to the counsellor on monday. she gave me 'alternatives' to cutting or other such things. she told me to put an elastic band on my wrist and pull it back and let go to try and get the same 'feeling'. she is a good counsellor, but that doesnt work. i pulled it back so much that it removed a layer of skin. and i was soo embarrassed and scared about people noticing and then questions starting again i covered it with makeup. that is sad. i've done the whole 'cutting' thing for a while. i don't anymore. but i need to find another alternative. ASAP. i don't care what it is. i just need one that will give me the same thing.
the cutting thing i'm sure is different for everyone. the way it feels. the way it makes you feel. for me, it makes me feel as if i can actually feel something. instead of constant numbness. now having everyone know about the 'incident' makes it harder to find alternatives. especially not being able to touch or hold the one i love the most because, somehow, he reminds me of Him. it kills me. it feels like i'm being pulled really hard inside my head. one side wants to risk the emotion breakdown, the other is trying not to kill me as much.
i've been having a fair bit of time off school lately. and i hate to say it but it's really good. i hate school. i hate pressure, i hate being told i'm not good at something with a bad mark. and i hate being looked down on. it hurts. i could just be me, being paranoid. but who cares.
touching people at the moment, like a hug, makes me vomit. or worse, i have a massive anxiety attack. with a few its not bad. i try my hardest with mum and dad to not hurt them, but its still hurts. i tried to test it today with k**s. fail. epic fail. i walked to homeroom. walked in, walked out. vomit everywhere out the back. lovely. not trying that again. and the more people now that know about the 'incident' the more unsteady and unprotected i feel. i know i should feel better about it, but i don't. i feel ashamed especially when people say 'why didn't you say anything earlier'. i'm sorry, but it doesn't make me feel any better about myself.

i don't know what i can say anymore. this is the web. so i'm not going to write what happened up here. if you ask i might tell. maybe.
i'm done. my hands are freezing.
xxx

another...

1. Relationship Status= In an amazing relationship.

2. Nickname(s)= Kayla Bayla, K, Oi!, Bitch, Woman, Beautiful(i like that one the most)

3. Zodiac sign = Aquarius

4. Male or female = female

5. Pre - School = Camelia Cottage :D

6. Primary School = St Bernards, Broulee Primary, Palmyra Primary

7. High School = Carroll College

8. Hair color = Dark brown

9. Long or Short = Shoulder length

10. Loud or Quiet music = Both

11. Sweats or Jeans = Jeans

12. Phone or Camera = Camera and Phone

13. Health freak = a little bit.

14. In a Relationship or Single = relationship?

16. Indoor or Outdoor = Both

17. Tattoo = ASAP

18. Pepsi or Coke =pepsi

19. Been in an airplane = Yuss

20. Been in a relationship = Yeah

21. Been in a car accident = yes

22. Been in a fist fight = yes

23. First piercing = had my ears pierced but they closed

24. First best friend = Mikki & Jess

28. First big journey = flew to NZ when i was 3 months old.

29. Last person you talked to in person today = Kendall

30. Last person you texted = Dusty and Alex

31. Last person you watched a show with = Dylan..

32. Last food you ate = Spag bol

33. Last movie you watched = Avatar <3

34. Last song you listened to= Babylon - David Gray

35. Last thing you bought = Bottle of water.

36. Last person you hugged = Annie

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE

37. Food = dark chocolate <3

38. Drinks = lemon lime bitters

39. Clothing = nice top, jeans, thongs, cardie.

40. Flower = White Roses

41. Who is the most amazing girl in the world? = i dont know, i know heaps of amazing girls...kass.

42. Color(s) = white and green

43. Movies = gah, a tear jerker.

44. Subjects =Music

X IF YES:

46. [X] celebrated Halloween

48. [ ]UNLIMITED minutes and/or texts on your cell phone

49. [X] had someone question their sexual orientation

51. [] got pregnant

52. [] had an abortion

53. [X] did something you regret

54. [X] broke a promise

55. [X] hid a secret

56. [X] pretended to be happy when not

57. [X] met someone who changed your life

58. [X] pretended to be sick

59. [X] left the country

60. [X] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it

61. [x] cried over the silliest thing

62. [X] ran a mile with out stopping

63. [X] went to the beach with my best friend

64. [X] got into an argument with your friends

65. [X] hated someone

66. [X] have ever stayed single a whole year


CURRENTLY:

67. Eating= Nothing

68. Drinking= water

69. Listening to= David Gray

73. Want kids = definately

74. Want to get married = very much so

75. Careers in mind = viticulture.

IN THE OPPOSITE SEX:

77. Shorter or taller = taller

78. Eye color= Any

79. Dark hair or light = darker

81. Hook-up or relationship = Relationship

82. Looks or personality = Personality, looks are bonus


HAVE YOU EVER

83. Lost glasses/ contacts = Yeah

85. Held a gun/knife for self definse= yes

86. Killed somebody = almost

88. Been arrested = Nope

89. Cried when somone died = yes. :(

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

90. Yourself = no

91. Miracles = some

92. Love at first sight = no

93. Easter bunny = Easter Bilby

94. Santa Claus = no

95. Sex on the first date = no

96. Kiss on the first date = yes

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? yup :(

98. Is there something you would like to say to someone? yes, but i can't

gaaah....

stole this from kass, cos i couldn't be arsed :)


How many drugs are in your system?
a fair few. all legal though

How tall is the last person you talked too?
30cms taller . . . give or take.

What's on your schedule for tomorrow?
school, lunch with dad, sleep.

What colour is your iPod?
Purple :D

Do you always answer your texts?
most of the time.

Who was the last person to text you?
Alex. <3

If you didn't go to the school you currently go to where would you go?
Perth.

Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy?
yup :(

Do you fall for people easily?
no.

Is it easier to pretend everything's okay for you?
always.

When is the next time you will kiss someone of the opposite sex?
ASAP.

Whats your current mood?
overwhelmed.

Do you have to sleep with a television on?
noppe ??

Do you own a digital camera?
yus, im getting a better one soon though

If you were offered to smoke some weed right now would you accept?
probably not.

How did you spend the last five minutes of 2009?
smashed. :D

Were you worried about anyone last night?
very very.

How old will you be in 2012, the year that the world is meant to end?
18

Are you scared for anything in the future to come?
yes. very.

Was your new years a good one?
nope. it was very confusing.

What are you doing right now?
doing this thingy, waiting for my pasta to cook.

Do you think you will become a better person this year?
hmmm nup.

Did you get any drunken phone calls last night?
yes, how did you know?

Are you looking forward to something as of right now?
not really.

Have you ever worn false eyelashes?
nope.

When was the last time you saw snow?
sept last year.

What did you do yesterday?
nothing really.

Are you wearing make-up?
yup.

Do you think you are pregnant?
not anymore :P

Where would you most like to visit?
Perth. Western Australia area. Ireland.

If you had a tree that could grow anything you want, what would it grow?
money!!

What does your last outgoing text say?
love you too xoxo

Did you have fun last night?
nooo.

Where did you get the pants you are wearing?
i don't know. i think target.

Do you follow your head or your heart?
either.

Looking back, did you ever think you would be where you’re at now?
nope.

Are you a jealous person?
not as a rule.

Reason for the last tear shed?
dissapointment.

Don't you hate it when your cell phone dies right in the middle of a conversation?
YES!

Do you hate it when you know someone first, and someone else starts talking to them more?
thats a silly thing to hate over.

Are you currently talking to/ texting/ instant messaging anyone?
yeees

Would you go in public looking like you do right now?
yes.

Would you rather sleep for 3 days, or stay awake for 3 days?
awake.


xxx