dream..

for the past 2 and a bit years close to 3, ive been having nightmares most nights. the same themed dreams with different scenarios and the exact same ending.
theme - self sacrifice. e.g me taking a bullet for a friend or family member.
scenario - changes every night.
ending - i watch myself die in hospital then, my funeral, on a beach, same music played, friends and family throw away my ashes. posts in the sand with blue and grey ribbons coming off them.

kayla wakes up, in tears.

i've read every last little thing about dreams. i've seen doctors, psychiatrists, clairvoyents (however you spell it), spiritualists, i've tried everything. no result, just another shitty thing i have to put up with.

then sometimes, when i wake up, i wish i could just go back to sleep and keep dreaming. its seems as if being awake is the real nightmare. whereas in my nightmares, i can stay there, i can protect my friends, but on the outside when i do that, i don't die, just parts of me do trying too. i love my friends soo much, they don't know how much sometimes.

the thoughts are still there, though they never do completely leave, they just slowly drift. though that isn't quite what is happening, these little thoughts are yelling at me, to do things that will make me feel better, but upset my friends. i can't do that, especially when i don't want to be hurting them.

oh well, i'll find an answer... hopefully.
xx

too late for heroes.....

i haven't blogged for a while now, and lets just say, its been a shitty couple of weeks.
besides breaking a really great guys heart, i started some of my "old habits" again, scaring a couple of my friends. and after much d & m-ing, that i didn't want, i've made no progress, not to the knowledge of the two trying their hardest to help, and they both don't read blogs so i doesn't matter. as much as i love the fact they are trying to help, it's my problem, and i need to get around it.
though thankyou to those that have been there for me. and i'm sorry to each one of them as well. it's really hard to tell someone you don't want their help, when all they will concentrate on is helping. guys, i'm sorry, but i don't need it. you probably think i do, but i'm ok.

another thing that has added to a shitty couple of days is that good old stereotype that a few music students seem to be getting. you know, get this i bet you never knew this. music students, do study other subjects, suprising i know, we don't only spend all our time doing music work. what controversy!! and funnily enough, when we do WORK OUR ARSES OFF, we have to catch up on all the work we miss, and the expectation for us to finish our work is exactly the same as the rest of the students in the class. and there are other music students in the class, not just the few that are singled out everytime. and because we are passionate about music, we get stereotyped for it. "bludge subject" ok, why don't one of you that say that come and do it for a week. yeah, good luck.

sorry, but i needed to get that off my chest.

i don't give a shit about anything anymore, and it upsets me, that i don't care about myself, and anything that happens to me. oh well. we'll see where this goes.

xx

storytime....

As she stared through the misted windows and watched the frost fade from the ground, she contemplated the feeling of loss. She tried to imagine what it would be like if she ever lost someone, she didn’t understand the emotions that were experienced; she didn’t know how to comfort someone that had lost a friend. You wouldn’t call her heartless, she care and even loved. She just didn’t know how to empathise with people, she had never really experienced pain, well at least she thought she hadn’t. Maybe her definition of pain was different to others. She had definitions for physical pain, but not emotional, she had felt sad, but not depressed. Was there something wrong with her? She would be too embarrassed to tell someone, she was scared of confrontation and people talking about her. The thought of confrontation made the temperature on her neck and face rise, colour flooding into her cheeks. The emotion she felt now was numbness, she had lost a friend, a relative with a different family. the sadness hadn't hit yet, it had been three days, she hadn't seen anything but a blur since friday.
"the stage of shock was the longest" she was told, as a doctor told her mother the morning she was admitted to hospital after passing out from "exhaustion". after half a day of tests, that was the outcome of her little trip to the emergency ward of the rural hospital.

the friday that the school was notified of the death, was an eerie day, there were tears and silence, all around, teachers in shock as were the students. there were others that did not know her that, stood and talked about how bad they felt for the friends and family, they would never understand the emotions. many people contemplated saying something to her, but they wouldn't know what, "i'm sorry for your loss" was too generic, so instead people gave a smile and pat on the shoulder or a hug. of course they had no idea what was going on in her mind......

every day is a suprise...

today, what can i say, it was pretty good, before i got home. i spent the day looking forward to the afternoon, a few hours with a couple of my closest friends, 'studying'. i spent the majority of the afternoon talking to now, one of my bestest friends, he still suprises me everyday, besides the usual sexual innuendos (in-your-end-os!!(insert laughter here)) he suprises me, showing me his sensitive side and telling me how much i mean to him. *tear* i could have seriously cried at the amount of really nice things he said to me in a matter of minutes. i guess, people should never judge book by it's cover, i know i don't.
this is a really short blog, but b***y if you read this, which you probs won't cos you hate blogs. thank you sooo much, you mean soo much to me. x

xx