dream..

for the past 2 and a bit years close to 3, ive been having nightmares most nights. the same themed dreams with different scenarios and the exact same ending.
theme - self sacrifice. e.g me taking a bullet for a friend or family member.
scenario - changes every night.
ending - i watch myself die in hospital then, my funeral, on a beach, same music played, friends and family throw away my ashes. posts in the sand with blue and grey ribbons coming off them.

kayla wakes up, in tears.

i've read every last little thing about dreams. i've seen doctors, psychiatrists, clairvoyents (however you spell it), spiritualists, i've tried everything. no result, just another shitty thing i have to put up with.

then sometimes, when i wake up, i wish i could just go back to sleep and keep dreaming. its seems as if being awake is the real nightmare. whereas in my nightmares, i can stay there, i can protect my friends, but on the outside when i do that, i don't die, just parts of me do trying too. i love my friends soo much, they don't know how much sometimes.

the thoughts are still there, though they never do completely leave, they just slowly drift. though that isn't quite what is happening, these little thoughts are yelling at me, to do things that will make me feel better, but upset my friends. i can't do that, especially when i don't want to be hurting them.

oh well, i'll find an answer... hopefully.
xx