what to do....

as times get harder, i get more distant. i try and try, but still fail to connect with the closest ones. i don't know how to be with them and put on a brave face anymore. it's too hard. i love them all, but i don't want them to be unhappy, especially not because of me. the really close ones are still there, but i feel lost to the rest. it hurts. more than everything else. i feel like a dickhead for sometimes not telling one person enough, or another too much. i can't tell one person something and them only know, they all have to know. which doesn't hurt, just saying it over and over does. sometimes my problems come last. which hasn't bothered me until now, they've all dropped. that knife above my head. it fell. the only thing that could make this worse is if it happen again, or if someone died. no. it can't happen. as this short blog comes to a close i think, why am i here? why am i STILL here? there must be some reason.
so, if tomorrow never comes. i love you.
xxx

life song....

She doesn't look, she doesn't see
Opens up for nobody
Figures out, she figures out
Narrow line, she can't decide
Everything short of suicide
Never hurts, nearly works

Something is scratching
It's way out
Something you want
To forget about

A part of you that'll never show
You're the only one that'll ever know
Take it back when it all began
Take your time, would you understand
What it's all about?
What it's all about?

Something is scratching it's way out
Something you want
To forget about
No one expects
You get up
All on your own with
No one around

Something is scratching it's way out
Something you want
To forget aboutNo one expects
You get up
All on your own with
No one around

in repair....

Hey all,
As the closest to me would know, these past few days have been exceptionally hard on me. So I've decided to, again, speak through lyrics. These are perfect.
xxoo

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, i am in repair

And now i'm walking in a park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready
Oh but if i take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unready
Oh i'm never really ready, i'm never really ready
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there
I'm in repair, i'm not together but i'm getting there



xxx

unwell...

it's been a really long time since i've blogged. and the last few were quite negative. though, thats how everything seems to be at the moment. no matter how much i try, everything still ends the same way. badly. i want to leave school, and ditch everything and just go hide somewhere away from everything and everyone. and i'm pretty sure i'm not the only one. i've discovered who my true friends really are, the ones that stick around during the hard times. one that stands out from the rest, and i will be in debt to them till the day i die, no matter how close or far away that day will be.
i've never been good at the whole writing really long blogs. so here's some lyrics for my mood. :)

All day starin' at the ceilin' makin' friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices tellin' me that I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for somethin'
Hold on, feelin' like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwellI know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of meI'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be, me

I'm talkin' to myself in public, dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talkin' about me
I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think
There must be somethin' wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinkin', somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talkin' in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're takin' me away

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be, how I used to be
I'm just a little unwell


that pretty much sums it all up for the moment. i don't care if people think its melodramatic. it spoke to me.
xx

i'm sorry...

there is a few people i would like to say sorry too.
the people that i pushed away when i really did need them and didn't realise.
i'm sorry. i realise now, that i feel more alone than ever because i pushed you away.
it's a weird feeling though, being afraid to be alone. knowing that people have given up on you. strangely, it hurt. more than i thought it would.
i'm still sorry. but i need time. i've told this to some. but to the rest. i need time.
still, sorry.
x