tears on my shoulder...

after spending the afternoon crying, for a reason that is beyond me, i started to think what i could be.
there are a few reasons that people suggested:
1. stress from school - don't think so.
2. weight from friends - definately not.
3. mum and dad splitting up - no.
4. confused about boyfriend - "go away, do you really think that" (my reply to that)

after a bit more thought, i realised something, i physically can not cry in front of people, and i only cry when i'm alone, and there is no one in the house. no matter how distracted i am when i am by myself, i always end up crying, and i discovered my feeelings when i am alone.
1. i feel abandoned
2. i feel afraid, mainly of myself
3. i feel numb

and then another realisation, that was how i felt when i was having my "bad stage" as my mother so gracefully puts it. it dawned on me, i'm afraid to be by myself, i am afraid of being alone, i am afraid of my mind and the thoughts within it.

i know i'm not the only one, that has these thoughts and freaks out about it, because that have done all the self hurting shit, and to those who have gone all the way, i salute you. you will be remembered and missed. though i know i could never do it, and as a close friend of mine said "its the cheaters way out", and i thought for a 16 y/o that was about as wise as it gets.

another reason i think is because, i physically cannot stop myself from pretending that i'm ok, i don't know how to stop pretending. if anyone has any ideas, they would be greatly appreciated.
xx

light a light...

as i sit in my study, with my candle lit, keeping mr C's tradition of lighting a candle during study time, i've had a little break from study and read a few blogs. and i've thought to myself, should i tell people everything? do i need to? is it necessary for people to know why i am like i am?
all i think i can say is that:
1. if it weren't for my friends, people would be remembering me, not knowing me.
2. i wouldn't be as strong minded as i am.
3. i wouldn't appreciate things as much as i do.

so in a way what happened to me, was a blessing in disguise. they do exist, and i do belive everything happens for a reason, and you can learn from everything. as much as i hate to quote a carroll college motto 'learning for life', it is really true, no matter how you take it.

hey girl, you know i've been a dreamer

following dream, i dreamed on my own

all the dreams of, the dreams that sustain me

i'm tired of dreaming alone

light a light, leave it in the window

i'm coming back, back home to you,

light a light, leave it in the window

i'll be coming back home

there are times when, i'm feeling so fearful

times when i'm caught up and crying inside

those times may find me

always remind me

of hoping to find you hear by my side

light a light

leave it in the window

i'm coming back back home to you

light a light leave it in the window

i'll be coming back home, i'll be coming back home

i love that song, it made me cry the first time i heard it, whenever i need to be picked up, or feel like shit, i listen to that song, and for some reason, it brings out a real happiness in me, it makes me appreciate things, i have no idea why.

actually, i think i know why, i think its because i was really sad the first time i heard it, and i was thinking about stuff, and then when it came on i found this really nice spot along the river, i sat down and looked through the trees at the sunset over the river, and it was the most beautiful thing i'd seen in a long time. and i realised, there is soo much more in this world to live for, there is too much to leave behind, too many people there would be to say goodbye to.

there is no way i'm doing THAT.

i think something that's nice, for anyone that wants to, is finding a spot, away from people, in the bush or down the beach or wherever, where no one can find you, a place where you can sit and just be, where you can write or draw, or play or whatever, all i know is that it's really helped me, and if you're having troubles, it could help you too.

xx

finally not falling apart...

there is now, finally, after a long time, something i can count on. two things.
1. my friends, they are the most amazing fun bunch of people.
2. my amazing boyfriend, who i can't bear to be without.
these two amazing things, have started to get my mind into check, and stopping it from going AWOL constantly.

today was interesting, ally discovered g-spots, cody discovered our group, john went nutso..again, we d&m'd and that was about it.

there's not much else that happened today, i got my arse KICKED at training tonight. and i'm going to be verrry sore tomorrow. lucky all i'm doing is study :

i can't describe the feeling of happiness when i see alex in the morning and that first smile i get, for me its a feeling of relief seeing him there, dreading the days when he will be away. when i felt his arm around me today at reccess, i felt as if he was emotionally clinging to me, it was a nice feeling, and whats even greater, being called beautiful, instead of cute, that just pisses me off.

now there is this friend i have, and he is a great guy. he is funny, secretly caring and honest. and we had really nice talk today, and i said something to try and cheer him up and stir him a bit to get a smile or a laugh out of him, though i failed, i got something really nice out of it. i felt loved and appreciated. even though with alex i feel that all the time, which is a nice change. but this friend of mine, said it in a way that was just simple and easy to understand his honesty. you've got to understand this, when a compliment comes from this guy, when its directed at me, its true, and he is being earnest and caring. and it damn near makes me cry, seeing as the compliments are getting more and more frequent, i could totally get used to that.

and i have another friend that needs a bit of TLC, and man, he sure does get it, from me at least, i try and act like everything is reasonably normal and let him open up first. which does take a while but after two afternoons, and a long walk, it worked, i feel like i've helped, by doing not much at all; which sometimes is the best way to help someone, do nothing, let them come to you. which as few know, i'm very used to.

another dear friend of mine, needs to destress, she worries more than i do, she is generally happy, bubbly, cheeky and soo much fun to be with and around, today was different, my heart broke for her and the angst and hurt she felt. i couldn't help but feel terrible seeing her eyes well up slightly, and then try to pass it off without anyone noticing, well she thought no one noticed.

well, thats it for me, that would have to be my longest blog ever, even though only two people actually read it.
xx

worry...

im just starting to get used to this blogging thing now, and im thinking im going to contradict my first blog even more, eghh screw it, what do i care?
seriously if people dont stop telling me "don't worry" im going to go ahead and explode.
i honestly don't know why people still say that to me, there is no one of my friends that don't know that when people say that i worry like crazy. about every possible outcome of what could be going on.
i don't care if people think im a worrier, thats what i am, thats what i do. does anything think it might be because i care for the people i love, and i don't want them to upset, scared or hurting.
and if i get told not to say sorry again, im seriously going to explode. it's what i do, if people don't like that, then i'm sorry, but i'm not changing for anyone but myself. i love my friends, i would do anything for them, anything. thats not going to change, if you don't like that. well, i couldn't care less. to be totally, honest.
i feel better, after my little rant.
x

contradiction...oh well.

right now, im going to totally contradict myself now, aaaand i dont give a shit. :)
everyone seems to be writing about their life and their problems sooo, im going to join in.
the last time i told someone my full life story, they cried, and hugged me for two hours, by the end of it, i was in quite alot of back pain.
to those that know my story, what can i say, you dont know how much i trust you with that, that little story i've placed on your shoulders, is my life, and please please respect that. but i know you all will, otherwise, i wouldnt have told you.
that 'little' story that you've been told, takes a enormous weight off my shoulders and its a nice feeling, being mentally lighter.
as many of my friends know, it takes A LOT for me to cry in front of them, i havent even in front of my BEST FRIEND for fooks sake.
but to all those that know,
1. i'm so terribly sorry.
2. thank you, soo very much.
x

appreciation...

just a heads up, this isn't directed at anyone inparticular. promise.
i think our age group needs to lighten up a bit and appreciate the things that we have, i totally get that people have problems, im not denying that...AT ALL. but there are so many amazing resources that we have available to us, we all have great friends, and even though no ones life is perfect, i think people should strive to make it perfect for themselves. don't do it for anyone elses satifaction only your own.
and when you're down about getting a C in english, forget about it, it could have been worse, you could have failed. :) just think, just then, someone lost their mum in a car accident, just then a expecting mother just had a miscarrige, and woah woah watch out, you got a C, wow man, that must reeaaalllly suck.
appreciate the simple things, people, those are the things you need.
x