tears on my shoulder...

after spending the afternoon crying, for a reason that is beyond me, i started to think what i could be.
there are a few reasons that people suggested:
1. stress from school - don't think so.
2. weight from friends - definately not.
3. mum and dad splitting up - no.
4. confused about boyfriend - "go away, do you really think that" (my reply to that)

after a bit more thought, i realised something, i physically can not cry in front of people, and i only cry when i'm alone, and there is no one in the house. no matter how distracted i am when i am by myself, i always end up crying, and i discovered my feeelings when i am alone.
1. i feel abandoned
2. i feel afraid, mainly of myself
3. i feel numb

and then another realisation, that was how i felt when i was having my "bad stage" as my mother so gracefully puts it. it dawned on me, i'm afraid to be by myself, i am afraid of being alone, i am afraid of my mind and the thoughts within it.

i know i'm not the only one, that has these thoughts and freaks out about it, because that have done all the self hurting shit, and to those who have gone all the way, i salute you. you will be remembered and missed. though i know i could never do it, and as a close friend of mine said "its the cheaters way out", and i thought for a 16 y/o that was about as wise as it gets.

another reason i think is because, i physically cannot stop myself from pretending that i'm ok, i don't know how to stop pretending. if anyone has any ideas, they would be greatly appreciated.
xx