emotion sickness....

today, what a day. suicide. the only thought on my mind, sorry for being blunt by the way. sorry. i think about it, and i don't think about leaving my friends and family and a life that i could live that would be great with rainbows and butterflies and happiness, i think about the stuff i wanna leave behind.but that i know will be with me forever no matter how much "closure" i get. and when i weigh up the pros and cons its almost even, but tips to the cons. i know people get pissed at other people for attempting suicide. which is wrong. i know there are things behind it, but still. if a person tries and tries, then maybe you getting annoyed doesn't help. saying "think about me" is a bit selfish. (this isn't about anyone at all, i promise.
i don't know what to say some days. i know people are going through worse shit, but for once, i have to think about me, and it's really really hard. when your life is generally based around others and making sure everyone else is ok. its hard to turn that thought around. especially for me, i've had people telling me to "think of yourself" "dont worry about anyone else" etc etc etc. i physically find that soo hard to do. i can not function without knowing that others are ok. but then i get told, people wouldn't be okay without me. which hurts me even more. i love them, so much its unbearable to be away from them, or see them a little bit upset. but, then i'm torn. either way i'm dying one way or another.
i went to the counsellor on monday. she gave me 'alternatives' to cutting or other such things. she told me to put an elastic band on my wrist and pull it back and let go to try and get the same 'feeling'. she is a good counsellor, but that doesnt work. i pulled it back so much that it removed a layer of skin. and i was soo embarrassed and scared about people noticing and then questions starting again i covered it with makeup. that is sad. i've done the whole 'cutting' thing for a while. i don't anymore. but i need to find another alternative. ASAP. i don't care what it is. i just need one that will give me the same thing.
the cutting thing i'm sure is different for everyone. the way it feels. the way it makes you feel. for me, it makes me feel as if i can actually feel something. instead of constant numbness. now having everyone know about the 'incident' makes it harder to find alternatives. especially not being able to touch or hold the one i love the most because, somehow, he reminds me of Him. it kills me. it feels like i'm being pulled really hard inside my head. one side wants to risk the emotion breakdown, the other is trying not to kill me as much.
i've been having a fair bit of time off school lately. and i hate to say it but it's really good. i hate school. i hate pressure, i hate being told i'm not good at something with a bad mark. and i hate being looked down on. it hurts. i could just be me, being paranoid. but who cares.
touching people at the moment, like a hug, makes me vomit. or worse, i have a massive anxiety attack. with a few its not bad. i try my hardest with mum and dad to not hurt them, but its still hurts. i tried to test it today with k**s. fail. epic fail. i walked to homeroom. walked in, walked out. vomit everywhere out the back. lovely. not trying that again. and the more people now that know about the 'incident' the more unsteady and unprotected i feel. i know i should feel better about it, but i don't. i feel ashamed especially when people say 'why didn't you say anything earlier'. i'm sorry, but it doesn't make me feel any better about myself.

i don't know what i can say anymore. this is the web. so i'm not going to write what happened up here. if you ask i might tell. maybe.
i'm done. my hands are freezing.
xxx